Die Hard 5: The open seas

This is Cinema Showdown's pitch for Die Hard 5, inspired by the 62 year old British tourist who saved a cruise liner and its 1,000 passengers by swatting pirates with a deck chair.
Die Hard: The Open Seas
No Johnny Depp here, we still love Bruce Willis and his bald head.
FADE UP: Sunny day, tropical location, a solitary cruise ship gracefully sails across the open seas, obviously isolated.
CUT TO: JOHN MCCLAIN relaxes on a deck chair, next to him is his on again, off again wife, HOLLY. They're hoping this cruise will put their relationship back together, but HOLLY is doubtful. Nevertheless, how could you not enjoy the sunshine and cute boys bringing you umbrella drinks? HOLLY asks for sunscreen, they are out. JOHN gets up to go back to the room for more sunscreen. He really wants to leave the cruise as a couple. JOHN exits the pool area. CUT TO: Nasty, filthy Somali PIRATES approach in a blow-up boat. The camera follows John to his room, intercut with shots of the pirates stealthily approaching. JOHN MCCLAIN comes down the elevator and the doors open to reveal and pirate pointing an assault rifle at none other than HOLLY. She doesn't see him, no one sees him and good old JOHN MCCLAIN springs into action. He is wearing only swim trunks and is unarmed.
JOHN MCCLAIN spends the rest of the film crawling around the secret corridors of the cruise ship, picking off pirate by pirate in his bare feet, using only what he has available to him. (I wonder if Purelle is a weapon?)
THE PIRATES grab the ship's CAPTAIN and JOHN MCCLAIN is the only one there with the sense to try to contact the Navy or anyone who can help. Except that the current President is an anti-military amateur and he shackles the Navy. They are unable to help. The PIRATES threaten to start picking off passengers, after they raid the kitchen and have themselves a 7 course meal. JOHN MCCLAIN plays waiter and is able to take out some PIRATES there, and now he has a gun. Yippie Kai Yea!
To sum it up, JOHN MCCLAIN saves the cruise liner, exposes the president for what he is, kills all the PIRATES to keep them out of US COURTS and off our taxpayer rolls forever, (he comments to that fact) and the Navy shows up to escort them home. HOLLY is proud of her hero again and they get remarried by the ship's chaplain as the rest of the passengers disembark.